My Short Biography with Porn

The first time I chose to watch porn, I was about fifteen years old. I had already come to terms with my own bisexuality, was out and open. This was still over a year before the first time I had sex, and little did I know that beginning to watch pornography would give me a whole new personal battle.

Now I had seen porn before this, oh the glory of being an AOL child. I remember being about nine years old, checking my e-mail, and opening what seemed to be an innocent enough link and finding a naked black haired fake breasted woman experiencing what I would later learn to be the reverse cowgirl. I remember having some sort of physical, audial response of youthful disgust, followed by my mom coming to my computer and sharing my horror at the amazing powers of the internet.

But it was different when I got older. I had been masturbating for two years, possibly as frequently as my male counterparts of that age, possibly more so. I was choosing to seek this out, even though it was totally illegal. (As if anybody actually saw the front page of a porn site and said “oh geez, I’m only 13, I’ll have to come back in five years).

I think it took me about six months to get out of my interest in mainstream pornography and into BDSM. I was just looking through things out of curiosity and I discovered Wired Pussy. While it’s not a site I still prefer (electricity just isn’t my thing), I was completely taken aback and equally turned on by a line-up of girls tied to sybians while being electrocuted with pads. At the time, I justified it to myself by saying it was just about my turn-on of screamers.

Soon, I discovered the Free Hardcore site Kink.com has, which is where Wired Pussy comes from. I was into everything they had at the time, even the things I couldn’t justify with a lust for screamers.

I was sixteen, just gotten pretty into this stuff, and I remember a friend of mine looking around on my computer with an attitude of “hmm I wonder what porn Stefani watches?” I remember him being a goofball and trying to get a laugh out of the group; I remember being very nervous about what would happen if he DID find what porn I watched.

This was a sort of shame I had about my fascination of and desire for this culture until very, very recently. I told my significant others sometimes, but the truth is I felt kind of dirty for being so into it. It evolved for me into a point where I’d try to watch mainstream pornography and it didn’t do anything for me; though a lot of that too is that I have yet to find a mainstream porn site that isn’t top to bottom fake. (note: if you’re into mainstream sex [meaning little to no kinks], tattoos, piercings, and real girls in control of the porn they’re making, check out burningangel.com; though I wouldn’t say the site itself has mainstream popularity)

Within the last couple weeks, I was exposed to concepts I hadn’t even considered before. Concepts like BDSM activism, which I won’t yet pretend I know much of anything about.

I saw a message I think a part of me has wanted to see for years. I’ll paraphrase:

“Sexuality is something that is formed within us as a very young age, although it becomes concrete with puberty. Much like nobody has control over their homosexuality or heterosexuality, people also have little to no control over their sexual attractions, to specific people or to kinks. If you are into BDSM, you are normal. You are okay.”

It made me realize that I struggled with my sexual preferences the way I struggled with my sexual orientation. When I was twelve, I told myself I’d be into women but nobody would ever know, and I would never think of it again. It was a foolish promise for me to make to myself. Yet, unintentionally or not, I had made a very similar choice in my handling of my attraction to the world of BDSM. I may be into this, but it is simply my masturbation fodder: I will never act on it, I will never pursue it, I will be merely a voyeur to it, and I would certainly never take credit for it in public. The difference is I kept my promise about hiding this core part of my sexuality for over half a decade. I at fourteen was in ways far smarter than me at seventeen.

The sad part is I don’t live in a world that is fully ready for me to throw this promise to the wind. I would love to be public and open about this, to put my real name on this blog, to know other people who desire these experiences the same way I as a bisexual person desire to be around fellow LGBT people. Family would see me much differently though. More conservative friends would see me differently, if they even still associated with me at all.

Now, I’m not talking about throwing every detail of my sex life into people’s faces and them having to be okay with it. I guess I simply fantasize for a world where people don’t feel the need to hide their sexual desires, no matter how taboo or “wrong” they may be. Another new idea I was exposed to in recent times is that sexual repression, sexual oppression, are at the root of all things wrong with society. This is a new concept I whole-heartedly agree with.

I fantasize for a world where, much like now people say “I’m gay” and details are not implied or gross, the same goes for “I’m into BDSM.”

So what is my mission in starting this blog? My mission is to do my part as a feminist. I want to make people think about sex and pornography and what it means to them.  I want feminists to come up with an answer to fixing the objectification of woman that is more whole than ridding the world of prostitution and pornography, because I believe that emotionally, mentally, and psychologically solid women exist who want to fuck for a living. I believe that these women can be intelligent, have something to offer, and NEVER, EVER fall under the stereotype that “porn stars are good at fucking and that’s it”. Women never ever fall under that stereotype, even if they aren’t solid humans and even if they have serious psychological issues.

I think the solution is to change the porn that’s made so it’s real, to change the perceptions of pornography and the girls who make it, NOT to unmake its existence. I think the solution is to change the idea that working as a woman in the sex industry and working as a woman in a fun positive supportive environment are mutually exclusive scenarios.

To paraphrase what may be a common saying at this point, if I can’t fuck it’s not my revolution.

But not only do I think these change with direct action, but they change with conversations as well.  I learned doing work with Equality California that not only do you present legislation that makes things equal for the LGBTetc community, but you go into the communities that hate the said legislation at its core and talk to people. The conversations can be narrow minded, offensive, painful, and downright stupid (assuming the door isn’t slammed in your face within moments); but most people change at least one mind, even if it’s not right away.

So never as a reader of this blog be afraid to state your opinion and disagree. NEVER feel like it will turn into a flame fest where you’re hated and nobody wants to see things your way. I want to better understand my opinions as much as you do. So challenge me with a cool, level head, and I’ll come at you the same.

Advertisements

~ by Stefani Vonne on 01/07/2011.

One Response to “My Short Biography with Porn”

  1. I don’t have any particularly constructive response to the post but it’s an interesting one. Just random things – as a male dom I do like ‘screamers’ but given the levels of sound insulation in most private houses.apartment, that kind of play is best done in clubs! And I was particularly struck by the ‘if I can’t fuck it’s not my revolution’ ideas. That’s well expressed.

    Best regards – Fulani

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: