Quick Thought – Reading on Rape

So I’ve begun to do research for my own personal project, one that may not reach social daylight for a long while, but I’m still really excited and passionate about it. Sign of being a geek: you find sitting over index cards tabbing books for statistics more interesting than smoking cigarettes with your friends at the skate park.

Anyway, I’ve started my research by reading a book entitled, “I Never Called it Rape” by Robin Warshaw. It’s a book I advise for all people of all genders, it’s an easy read for being packed full of difficult information. It will probably make you cry though, just a warning.

It’s difficult as somebody who really enjoys kink however. Due to gang rapes, Warshaw writes off group sex as being something that’s always rape, that consent to those things only happens in pornography. I find that I just can’t agree. I find that friends of mine just can’t agree.

So I’m going to call for my first social change: let’s love more like kinky people.

Stefani, you may be saying, what the FUCK does that even mean? Let me tell you.

At my previous school, most of my friends were into kinky things. Dominant males who liked to choke, pull hair, and be rough, girls who were into it or did the same. However, their behavior often resulted in eyerolls of the older members of my group – and even myself. Because the dominant-behavior kids didn’t know the most important part of rough play.

THE RULE in rough play, rape fantasy, anything not under the usual “consensual vanilla sex” umbrella, is that the sub makes all the rules and calls the shots. The fantasy may be to be helpless, weak, and violated; but in truth, they’re the ones with control. Even when it’s happening, they still get that safe word that brings everything to a screeching halt.Yes, the aggressor is satisfying his fantasy also of being aggressive, but he also has to turn that off at any point and return to reality.

How does this relate to my gang rape thought? Warshaw tells men who read her book, that if he is witnessing a sexual encounter, and a man volunteers him to join, that it’s a flag to not only not join but to seek immediate help for the girl in law enforcement. I do NOT disagree with this. I also don’t disagree with the notion that a woman would likely not have consensual group sex with a group of guys she barely knows. But if a girl says to a guy, “I’m about to have an orgy, do you want to join?” because remember, Warshaw is arguing that group sex is NEVER consensual, is the man supposed to think that she’s not consenting?

Readers, am I focusing too intently on semantics here?

I guess I’m just trying to say, maybe if the bottom in a situation was always the one calling the shots and being in charge, would rape be so frequent? If the woman, or the catcher, had to say “I desire to have sex with you” before any sexual contact would happen, would miscommunication be so frequent? If society was this clear, would (seemingly) ridiculous blanket statements like “group sex is always rape” be even necessary?

I have to acknowledge that the saddest part of the statement, is it has to be made: because of all rapes, even acquaintance, gang rapes are least likely to be taken by a prosecutor for “not being serious enough.” No, this is not taken from Bizarro World, this is taken from YOUR world.


~ by Stefani Vonne on 06/19/2011.

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